Decision

I had been abandoned this blog for a year.
Initially the main reason I created this blog is to let me pen down my memory in Japan and move on to my ordinary/settled life in Malaysia.
But no.
I wasn't satisfied with my life.

The vicious cycle is back.
It got worse as I aged because they said, ' You're not supposed to do this anymore. Grow up please. Be responsible. Why would you want to restart your life all over again?'

Well, Let's stop lamenting and start reminiscing the good old three months in Japan.

I was thinking to pen it down in English as it's much more convenient and at the same time I get to polish my writing skills in English.

But some memory can only be described best in Chinese. So we will see how it goes.
Let's start with my first stop - Tokyo.

Prelude

"Who am I?

What is life? 

Why am I here?"

These questions had been revolving in my mind two years ago, when I was exhausted with my job and life cycle - Waking up at 5.30am, drive for 30km with traffic jam, persuading clients in helping me in hitting target, weekends spent on cafe or shopping malls. 

Are these what I gonna do for the rest of my life? 
Yes, no doubt it does give me high income to sustain my life happily. I can save at least half of my paycheck, but what do I get beside money? 

Fortunately, I was learning Japanese since I was during university time. That was the best time I ever had. 

I made up my mind for this small dream - to study in Japan for a short period and at the same time, finding what I want in my life. Besides, leaving my comfort zone as I was staying home for 25 years. 

Thinking about that, I kind of regretting for not applying other scholarship aggressively right after SPM. My friend shared to me this JPA special scholarship, and I was like, 'ok lo, try lo. get means get lo'. 
In the end, I was lucky to get it. 
I got things too easily sometime that I take it for granted. 
I didn't really study hard for my degree.
Instead of concentrating on my study, I did these:
shopping during break, watch drama, made accessories for sale, posted those super bimbo fb post, involved in student association, rock climbing, hiking etc. 
None of these are related to what I was studying. Those were the days where I spent time without thinking much. all I want is fun. I don't have a definite goal and I gave up easily. 

I wanted to do fashion design and I gave up because I simply don't have the fashion sense and I'm afraid of failure.

I wanted to do something related to my biomedical science degree, eg: medical scientist. I gave up simply because I was too lazy to think and I don't want to be tied in a lab for my whole life.

All the excuses given to myself and today, I'm so common that I feel bored with my life. At the same time, I feel like a loser as I used to being good in my studies, being praised for being smart. I was like the moderate, not too good and not too bad. To make thing worse, I'm afraid to lose. I have a strong ego that I was hiding really well. 

I decided to do something different - quit my job and go somewhere I want

I chose Japan. 

Reason: I couldn't really explain why I have this special connection with Japan. Maybe it's because of my dad's ex Japanese company where I got exposed to Japanese culture at young age.

I had good memories. 
The memories was so good that I'm in denial to accept that I'm back to the reality.
When I was back to Malaysia, I got depressed. I refused to slur it out as I don't want unnecessary comment from others.

 I was indecisive until today. 

Today, I decided to make it an end by jotting down all the good three months memories in Japan. I gotta let it go~
I had been holding on it for some time, and it's already half year since I was back from Japan. 

那个时代已过去，属于那个时代的一切都不存在了。
那些消逝的岁月，仿佛隔着一块积着灰尘的玻璃，看得到，抓不着。
他一直在怀念着过去的一切。
如果他能冲破那块积着灰尘的玻璃，他会走回早已消逝的岁月。
- 花样年华

I will miss you though.